I've been told to speed up my delivery when I perform. But if I lose the stammer, I'm just another slightly amusing accountant..

Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy..

Humor's a weapon if you want to make it one..

More and more, as I get older, people come up to me and say, 'Thank you for all the laughter.' And my standard answer is, 'It was my pleasure.' But t….

I wasn't much good. When I went into the line on a fake - I would holler 'I don't have it!'.

Funny is funny is funny..

The first time I got up in front of an audience was terror, abject terror, which continued for another four or five years. There still is, a little b….

Sometimes you forget you're famous. You wonder, Why is that person staring at me?.

I am a minimalist. I like saying the most with the least..

I'm very open to the up-and-comers..

I can't remember the last live-action, non-animated Christmas movie..

I think there's a part, just a part of comedians, that is still childlike..

But I really believe that if you have the ability, there is an obligation to make people laugh.

I love portraying the totally indifferent person..

The only thing I have never done is a Broadway play. I'm not sure I have the discipline necessary to do a Broadway play. I know it holds a fascinatio….

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'..

I think that what comes through in Chicago humor is the affection. Even though youre poking fun at someone or something, theres still an affection fo….

All I can say about life is, 'Oh God, enjoy it!'.

Don't be silly and don't waste your time..

I was influenced by every comedian I ever saw work. That's the only way you learn how to do it..

I don't know how many sacred cows there are today. I think there's a little confusion between humor and gross passing for humor. That's kind of regre….