I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing..

I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daug….

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers..

And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You'd be nervous too if you knew that one day you'd get your head cut off and... filled with stuffing..

The nature of comedy is 'just do it.' But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong….

Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends..

Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought..

Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips..

If you're a host of a video show and you're on the cleanest show on television for eight years, people want to say, 'Well, that's what that person do….

Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?.

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!.

I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either..

At the end of the day it's the end of the day..

A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked..

My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, Where did he touch you? She said, On my knee, Bobby..

Nothing worse than a piece of dried out fish..

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people gr….

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed..

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has ….

Most people argue over who's right, not about what the truth is..

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward..