A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked..

My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, Where did he touch you? She said, On my knee, Bobby..

Nothing worse than a piece of dried out fish..

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed..

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has ….

Most people argue over who's right, not about what the truth is..

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward..

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public..

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them.

Valuable people are undervalued..

When you have a good time there is no time..

Ladies, apologies, but isn't 'vintage' just used stuff?.

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker..

I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her….

It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who ….

I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his….

Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news..

When you're famous, you're always famous. It doesn't go away..

My dad's like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?.

If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid..

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses..