I am stressed because once I am flattened out so thin to be able to slide under a doorway, I may never be able to ever be unflattened so I could be r….

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz..

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy..

Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk..

If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?.

Nobody can tell me what I can or can't do, except they can..

Stop It, stop lighting your butthol on fire, and everybody listen to me. If you light your ass on fire, I hope you have boxers or a filter of somekin….

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people..

The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who ….

As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself..

My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax..

I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say 'I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean.' I'll do clean stuff too, I like to en….

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom..

Full House was a show that was done for ten-year-olds. The critics hated it. They said terrible, terrible things about it. But it should have been re….

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist..

I'm psyched about what I can contribute that can be meaningful to myself and to others..

The selfish and usually pointless approach is to try to get both done simultaneously - accomplish your work at hand while begging forgiveness of thos….

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime..

Aristotle said, Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Isn't that a three-way?.

I never went to camp as a kid. I couldn't get into an Ivy League school. I wouldn't join a biker club..

My favorite Dylan song? I think it's 'Just Like a Woman.' It always makes me cry..