The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood..

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people gr….

Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips..

Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?.

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has ….

Wise men say, only fools rush in. Wise men are so slow..

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine..

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?.

Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news..

Ladies, apologies, but isn't 'vintage' just used stuff?.

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker..

If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid..

I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his….

Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought..

I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either..

Around comics, I've always been known for, oh, that's not dirty, this is dirty..

My dad's like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?.

If you're a host of a video show and you're on the cleanest show on television for eight years, people want to say, 'Well, that's what that person do….

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers..

Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water..

The nature of comedy is 'just do it.' But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong….