When you're famous, you're always famous. It doesn't go away..

Most people argue over who's right, not about what the truth is..

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward..

Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends..

Nothing worse than a piece of dried out fish..

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!! Is there such a thing as health food abuse?.

My wife is a saint. She's Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won't eat..

And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You'd be nervous too if you knew that one day you'd get your head cut off and... filled with stuffing..

Oil is sixty dollars a barrel. There are terrorists everywhere. We have a catastrophe in our world every ten minutes. I don't know how anybody's gett….

I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her….

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses..

I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing..

My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, Where did he touch you? She said, On my knee, Bobby..

Everyone I love I pay..

It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people..

It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who ….

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!.

I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daug….

A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked..

There are no I's in we but there are two i's in Wii..

At the end of the day it's the end of the day..