Joan Rivers

If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.

Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years and making it look like he just thought of it.

I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.

My career is as an actress. I am an actress playing a comedienne.

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.

There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said, "we don't believe it."

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.'