Joan Rivers

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: "That was a joke!" But he just didn't get it. Mick Jagger said, "F- 'em if they don't get the joke." And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine."

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.

Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are, but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up.

I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of others

I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

What makes me laugh is, of course, the absurd, the horror - anything that upsets me.

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.

Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

With this face, I need all the deals I can get.

You hear things about certain people. When you hear someone was mean to a limo driver or a wardrobe lady, or someone was rotten to a fan, somewhere in your brain it gets stuck.

Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.