If you cannot patiently bear correction, endeavor to avoid fault..

On Update, the only real original thing was trying to take away the cleverness of the punchline and make it as blunt as possible..

Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue..

Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks.….

The soul is never perfectly secure from the influence of passion; the occasional tranquility she seems to enjoy, is rather relaxation than imperturba….

I don't know anything about politics. I wouldn't put too much into my prediction on politics..

The character of giving advice often makes us accountable for the conduct of those we advise..

It's a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you're good at it, then they go, "How would you like to be a horrible actor?" Then you s….

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afra….

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him..

It is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than adversity r….

He that searches for praise will often find contempt..

I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at..

Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity..

In love, first please the eye, then win the heart..

Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost..

I had a show that people thought used a laugh track. It wasn't; it was the real audience going crazy after everything that resembled a joke, that the….

A lot of people think I'm difficult to work with. It's not like I really want to do that much stuff, so it doesn't really matter. I guess I'm somewha….

Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite..

I don't do much. I'm too lazy. That's my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a….

Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love..