Actually, with those dirty movies, I find like, they're good for about fifteen, twenty minutes. I'm really interested. And, then, uh, there's one poi….

There's no show business in Canada, so everybody just did stand-up and we all thought, "Oh, we'll just keep doing stand-up." And then I'm like, "Ther….

Never raise expectations in others that you cannot realize: promise is less pleasing than disappointment is vexatious..

Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence..

I don't have any ambition..

Most men appear wiser in their doubts than in their belief..

Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong..

I've been offered political shows before, and I don't know anything about politics and I feel uncomfortable making political opinions - there's conse….

It is better to be idle than employed in ill..

Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised..

There's that saying, "I don't know art, but I know what I like." The inverse is kind of true. I know art, but I don't know what I like. You get so im….

The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them..

Our passions may be compared to certain slaves--the more severity we show them, the better they obey us..

Laws, however divine in origin and institution, would be found of little coercion among men, were the administration of them not committed to mortals..

The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he's happy to continue to do what he's been doing….

I'm not original, but I strive toward it as much as possible. I tried really hard on Weekend Update to do something that I considered original, which….

Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up..

In terms of merit, sports has mathematical statistics. That's how you know who the best player is..

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defea….

Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! M….

Love is an artful arrangement of artless pretensions, whereby we labor to appear innocent in what we desire to be most cunning..