[Televised stand-up] never really makes me laugh. The only one I ever saw that I liked was Richard Pryor, and that was [shot on] film..

OJ Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much h….

Few criminals die sensible of their crimes..

A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do writ….

They that are virtuous from principle may receive confidence in every capacity; but they that are so from custom or habit, are capable of trust only ….

Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame..

I don't have any ego about it, but I find there's not a great work ethic in show business. A lot of people are in it to make money, and coming from s….

Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michae….

If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy..

I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio..

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money..

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up..

I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you're all right. I don….

I tried to make the punchline as close to the setup as I could. And I thought that was the perfect thing. If I could make the setup and the punchline….

In love, we are best pleased when we please others..

All kinds of violence on the TV. You're not supposed to watch violence on the TV. Children, they can't watch it 'cause they're afraid maybe the kids ….

I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television. I don't know what it does, ….

If it wasn't so pointless and ridiculous, it would be more humiliating. Also, if there [Hollywood] weren't so many people as bad as myself - equally ….

I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser..

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical..

The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading..