Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite..

I don't do much. I'm too lazy. That's my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a….

I hate fame. I hate being recognized, because I don't know how to talk to people..

I started on 'Saturday Night Live' the same time Conan started on 'Late Night.' We just had a relationship because I would be upstairs in the studio ….

I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win..

The only two TV shows I saw do that, where they don't warm them up and you can really bomb, was Saturday Night Live - and that's why it gets a lot of….

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny..

Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit..

It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving. Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff! And then anoth….

The promises we break are usually such as we are most forward in making..

If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious..

I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals..

Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Sta….

Happiness is less regulated by external circumstances than inward enjoyment. Whoever is happy in the satisfaction of himself feels imperturbable feli….

RIP Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today..

The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly..

You're used to a TV show, and TV is just made for TV shows. It's not made for live events.So anyways, I was resistant to it, but I did it anyway..

I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.' I don't own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most….

They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?.

We are happy at the respect others pay our favorites, because we consider it a lively confirmation of our own choice, and as so much homage reflected….

Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices..