On Update, the only real original thing was trying to take away the cleverness of the punchline and make it as blunt as possible..

They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?.

I had a show that people thought used a laugh track. It wasn't; it was the real audience going crazy after everything that resembled a joke, that the….

Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue..

I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at..

Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost..

I hate fame. I hate being recognized, because I don't know how to talk to people..

Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks.….

He that searches for praise will often find contempt..

We are happy at the respect others pay our favorites, because we consider it a lively confirmation of our own choice, and as so much homage reflected….

Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity..

I don't do much. I'm too lazy. That's my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a….

I don't know anything about politics. I wouldn't put too much into my prediction on politics..

A lot of people think I'm difficult to work with. It's not like I really want to do that much stuff, so it doesn't really matter. I guess I'm somewha….

In love, first please the eye, then win the heart..

The soul is never perfectly secure from the influence of passion; the occasional tranquility she seems to enjoy, is rather relaxation than imperturba….

Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite..

Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied..

The character of giving advice often makes us accountable for the conduct of those we advise..

It's a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you're good at it, then they go, "How would you like to be a horrible actor?" Then you s….

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him..