From the minute we're born, boys and girls stare at each other, trying to figure out if they like what they see. Like parade lines, passing each othe….

Get a good dog. We have not picked up food in the kitchen in 15 years..

New parents always sound like hucksters in a pyramid scheme. Anyone who has kids and then gets you to go and have kids gets a check from Huckster Hea….

As you get older you realize your parents don't look so dumb - and that you're not as smart as you thought you were..

The first time I tried to put a new diaper on my baby, I yanked the little Velcro strap too jerkily and actually punched the little guy in the jaw. A….

They're not the sharpest people - babies. So, you must be everything to them..

Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not..

The most rewarding part about being a dad is just looking at children who didn't exist at some point. The first time you saw them, they were the size….

When you're in @#*!#-ing hell, your forehead can feel a wee bit feverish. (By the way, that's the way my wife actually curses. She doesn't use dirty ….

The most challenging part of being a dad is trying to postpone the moment when they realize you don't know anything. I love any sentence that begins ….

And in that time, I lost my dad and had kids of my own. It was like, OK, I get it now. I know what fatherhood is all about. And you look at your pare….

Middle names are kind of like vice presidents: It's a fine distinction and certainly an honor, but you're never not aware that someone else got the r….

Two or three times a week, I drive by the houses of numbers 78-100 just to rub it in..

In the history of life, no good news has followed that sentence ["We have to talk."]..

The most used appliance in our house is my 10-year-old son Leon's Xbox..

Upstate New York in the middle of October. You can't get more beautiful than that..

In traditional TV, it's very hard to have the luxury of banking all your scripts and getting everything in a row, but it does make it very easy, and ….

In some cultures they don't name their babies right away. They wait until they see how the child develops. Like in Dances with Wolves. Unfortunately,….

When you realize you would consider not having a child just so you could take an occasional snooze and be available to see Batman Retires the same we….

The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering..

People come up to us and ask how we knew so much about their own family... I'm talking about people from faraway places, too. I get people from Turke….