President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have ….

I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait….

I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going..

I think we need a 12-step group for non-stop talkers. We're going to call it On and On Anon..

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice ….

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name..

The pleasure of the mulch pile is incomprehensible. I wouldn't care if they just hauled the mulch to the landfill somewhere. Obviously, grass clippin….

I've always thought that if my death was imminent, I would read. When I can't focus on a book, I tend to keep reading the same page. My guess is, I w….

The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community..

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding..

I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take….

My parents got carried away with the letter P when they were naming the kids in our family. There's me, Paula, my sisters Peggy and Patty, and my bro….

It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incient, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my….

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer..

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long..

I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their sh….

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you ….

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision..

Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time..

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that..