Occupation: Comedian Birth: December 29, 1959
If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that….
I also like a great Caesar salad with anchovies, although I don't know why some places say 'with anchovies.' If you're making a proper Caesar salad, ….
When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice ….
My problem, I try to teach my kids to eat healthy food. But you get a cantaloupe, and you don't know when it's going to come of age. You have no idea….
It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incient, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my….
President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have ….
My parents got carried away with the letter P when they were naming the kids in our family. There's me, Paula, my sisters Peggy and Patty, and my bro….
There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them..
When a woman extends her hand for you to shake it, then you shake her hand. You do not turn it up and kiss it. And it is just so creepy. Because, you….
I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off..
I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge..
I hate it when my hair is engaged in unauthorized activities..
I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going..
You know, in politics when you come in third, it's a win..
I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd..
I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason..
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name and apparently that's the key to the whole thing right there. I go in every ….
I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California..
I like to work on New Year's Eve. It has a nice spirit; a nice feel about it. If you are all about the 'year-end' thing at all, then laughing with fe….
The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer..
Gay Republicans, how exactly does that work? 'We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots..