The pleasure of the mulch pile is incomprehensible. I wouldn't care if they just hauled the mulch to the landfill somewhere. Obviously, grass clippin….

I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hou….

It is the best part of the night. The classic interactive lines are 'Where are you from? What do you do for a living?' I almost always get something ….

I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility..

The definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep..

When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome..

Can you remember when you didn't want to sleep? Isn't it inconceivable? I guess the definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep..

I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it..

I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids..

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd..

I talk to a lot of librarians, and there's always a steady drumbeat of how libraries are places of community. But a lot of them have also recently - ….

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise..

I know a little bit about handicapping. If the horse has an IV, you want to stay - away from it..

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice ….

When I sat down to write I just felt like a geek writing about myself. And then it dawned on me, just because of the way I am, I can't stop talking, ….

Gay Republicans, how exactly does that work? 'We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots..

There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them..

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name..

I’m an atheist. The good news about atheists is that we have no mandate to convert anyone. So you’ll never find me on your doorstep on a Saturday mor….

I was court-ordered to Alcoholics Anonymous on television. Pretty much blows the hell out of the second A, wouldn't you say?.

I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason..