I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their sh….

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that..

I get in fewer arguments when I'm alone..

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you ….

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision..

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling..

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

I’m an atheist. The good news about atheists is that we have no mandate to convert anyone. So you’ll never find me on your doorstep on a Saturday mor….

I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take….

I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It ne….

When I sat down to write I just felt like a geek writing about myself. And then it dawned on me, just because of the way I am, I can't stop talking, ….

My mom is one of those really angry moms who gets mad at absolutely everything. Once when I was a little kid, I accidentally knocked a Flintstones gl….

I confess that when I first read that smog is particularly hazardous to children, senior citizens, and physically active people, for a brief moment I….

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding..

Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats..

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing..

The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do ….

I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hou….

I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait….

I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids..

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do..