What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers..

A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money -….

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with r….

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know w….

I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy..

I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it d….

It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything..

Figure out what to do, then take a nap..

I've always boxed, I always taught boxing..

Welfare is monetary methadone..

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself..

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks..

Everything seems overwhelming when you stand back and look at the totality of it. I build a lot of stuff and it would all seem impossible if I didn't….

I don't like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it's the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywher….

I don't know anything about computers..

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?.