Welfare is monetary methadone..

If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly n….

I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more ….

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff..

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm j….

A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it's not a gr….

I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex..

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life..

It's like the Fouth of July in my underpants..

I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist..

People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'.

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with r….

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers..

I've always boxed, I always taught boxing..

Figure out what to do, then take a nap..

Everything seems overwhelming when you stand back and look at the totality of it. I build a lot of stuff and it would all seem impossible if I didn't….

It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything..

In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and thi….

To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can't you do..

No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader..

There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christ….