If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not..

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it..

People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful..

I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women..

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting..

That's the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can't pursue your dream till you're 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy,….

I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more ….

I'd never hurt another person..

Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show..

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference o….

There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christ….

Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes..

I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings..

My motto is "more mystery, less history"..

The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don't have a compelling host then you have nothing..

It's something I've always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing..

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pi….

In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and thi….

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were..

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian..

To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can't you do..