I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that..

Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes..

My first car was a motorcycle..

I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself..

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle..

When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Deligh….

I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care..

All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way..

I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much..

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down….

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell..

I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances..

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it..

When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imag….

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?.

I know everything because I know nothing..

I get depressed at airports..

That's the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can't pursue your dream till you're 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy,….

The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don't have a compelling host then you have nothing..

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pi….

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian..