I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her..

I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I ….

Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the ….

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor..

Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player..

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks..

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy..

Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin..

Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels ….

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility..

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes..

I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree.….

Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or "My dad keeps losing his car ….

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ..

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it..

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer..

My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers an….

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player..

I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing..

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night..