I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces..

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them..

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem..

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy..

I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word..

Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels ….

Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up fo….

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ..

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something..

I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable..

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs..

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes..

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new..

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it..

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket..

I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest..

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome..

I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree.….

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know w….

I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves..