She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I ac….

I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are….

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf..

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother..

Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke..

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves..

I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone ….

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf..

I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played the part of "Accounting Cl….

I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say..

It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage..

What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap..

I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a house….

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it..

Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont h….

I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year..

I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them..

Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified..

I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work fo….

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look..