My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding..

If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my lap….

My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for som….

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - t….

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job..

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason..

I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I wa….

I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic..

In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that….

What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way..

I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler..

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist..

On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at ….

I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration..

On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the trick….

I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire..

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off..

People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if peopl….

Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's w….

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny..

My first time on stage was the class "graduation" at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do….