My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: ….

Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I've heard rumors that he is abusi….

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general..

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything..

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny..

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like k….

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do..

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles..

I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about so….

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her a….

Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little ….

I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die..

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names..

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower..

My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years a….

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it..

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to st….

You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists and there's a value….

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything..

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids..