You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them..

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place..

My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus….

2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream..

Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that too….

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so c….

I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much..

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment..

One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about….

I'm too cynical to be an optimist..

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14..

I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I ….

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do..

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks..

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop..

I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome..

Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the ….

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says..

Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player..

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound cruc….

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents..