My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend..

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball..

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to wha….

If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On T….

Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a housepl….

In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intel….

I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight..

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in t….

Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with th….

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy..

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool..

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands..

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift ….

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and….

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant..

I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn'….

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up..

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry..

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor..

I'll be very busy, which is all I need..

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother..