About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show. So I met with a late night joke writer ….

I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault..

The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you hav….

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop..

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know..

My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd..

I tell very mean jokes..

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital..

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes..

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other….

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend..

I didn't care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn't know anything about me in New Zealand. If I had made jo….

Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your ….

I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there." It….

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm….

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number..

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it..

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it..

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death..

With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference..

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter..