My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep..

I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive ….

I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up..

I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke aro….

I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don'….

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time..

I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on the….

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking..

Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way..

Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no on….