I'm just honest. They [asians] don't want to see black people generally in their movies..

There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage..

London. Another terrorist attack and ISIS claimed credit. I am surprised because I thought we had wiped out ISIS on day one as Donald Trump said..

Americans are gluttons. We shop with forklifts. We have a holiday where we stuff food into other food. Our strippers wrestle in Jell-O, where other c….

The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to ….

It's very hard not to be condescending when you're explaining something to an idiot..

Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding..

We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid..

If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope..

And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone was feeding him ans….

Trying to get today's Republicans to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have to feed them the truth wrapped in a p….

New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it….

The only silver lining I can find is that British accents aren't sexy anymore..

I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1….

New Rule: News organizations have to stop using the phrase: "We go beyond the headlines." That's your job, dummy. You don't see American Airlines say….

I believe only foreigners should run for president...Face it, the presidency is a lousy job. And who does lousy jobs we don't want anymore better tha….

What I have against religion is that they start you when you are so defenseless. I mean, I was three when they started pumping this bullshit into my ….

Arnold was on the 'Today' show today, he was a little light on specifics. He said he could solve California's $38 billion budget deficit, without cut….

Stand-up is great because I can get everything off my chest..

Glenn Beck retired or got fired...and a lot of people are asking who will now speak for the raving lunatics who startle you outside of a parking gara….

We're always on a tightrope. We're trying to put together people who don't make sense to be together, talking about issues that are sensitive and con….