Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth..

I saw a giraffe with a short neck That was sad Or a deer.

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine..

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own..

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head..

I know it's the comedian's instinct to say, "Do it, man, nothing's off-limits! It's cool, bro!" I don't know if that's the answer for me. "Do I reall….

I just like to write and then perform..

At the time of 'Words, Words, Words,' I'm a 19-year-old getting up feeling like he's entitled to do comedy and tell you what he thinks of the world, ….

If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn't respect that..

Back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid. Well, that and faggot..

The classic comedian says there's nothing that's taboo; if you laugh at one thing you've got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to ….

I've found nothing but support and generosity from older comics. I think comedians are a lot nicer than the stigma is, at least from my experience..

I don't want to try to recreate for no reason. Like, me in my bedroom, singing songs to a camera was a special thing that was at that time in my life….

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided t….

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate..

For me, if you distill comedy down, it is surprise and the unexpected. That has to be it on its most base level, in any form..

I don't like calling myself a "feminist" only because I don't think I've done anything active enough to call myself one. It'd be like calling myself ….

People give me money and I don't know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy..

If I have enough money to support myself, I'll just give stuff away. I just, I want people to see it and I want to be able to do this for a living, y….

How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I've got a cousin who is 18... Yeah, still believes in gay marriage..