Comedy is very strange to me and I don't fully understand it's purpose or function..

I misdirect the audience, so they have no idea where they are or who they're listening to..

I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face..

If you can think of all the times in your life, some of the happiest times were probably when you were laughing. And some of the worst times in your ….

I think no matter what you do, a certain amount of people are going to call you a sellout, somehow, you know. If I ever start trying to make a living….

Do you guys like impressions? "Why?" That was Socrates..

I'm happy with what I'm doing. I try not to focus on how I've changed. I just try to focus on what I'm doing now..

I've found, across the board, that comedians have been very respectful and kind to me. And that seems to stem from the fact that they are just respec….

If comedy is about surprises, about tension, there's a lot of tension and surprise there, in the fact that people are expecting this to be natural..

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls..

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't..

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke... tumors..

Where are all the sour patch parents?.

I remember being superyoung, like nine or ten years old, and thinking, 'Man, I wonder what famous people eat for breakfast. They must have some speci….

And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France..

I'm not a grown up until everybody realises I'm a grown up. When everyone remembers me as the dirty kid singing little songs I am the dirty little ki….

I think comedy has a range, with multiple peaks in different areas. It's like trying to compare Beethoven and the Beatles. Sometimes I hear from peop….

I never felt like I was stealing anyone's fans as much as I was introducing some younger people to comedy who will eventually find tons of other come….

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names..

What's important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness….

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity..