The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off..

Sure Vietnam is a dirty war. I've never heard of a clean one..

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?.

Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me..

It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets..

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong..

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy..

I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me..