Explore Quotes by George Burns

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.

Life's but a day at most.

Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out. And you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.

I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman ... or a bad woman.

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.