Explore Quotes by George Carlin

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

Think off-center.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, _x000D_For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. _x000D_America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, _x000D_And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.

What year did Jesus think it was?

Meow” means “woof” in cat.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.