Explore Quotes by George Carlin

Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class-the people who run things. Those who decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. If the parent corporation doesn't want you to know something, it won't be on the news. Period. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then rarely followed up.

Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.

Did you ever stop to thnk about all the people we kill? They're always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They all said: 'Try to live together peacefully.' BAM! Right in the f--in head! Aparently we're not ready for that!

You know something I could really do without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's irresponsible. The last thing we should be doing is sending our grotesquely distorted DNA out into space.

I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change.

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?

Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while.

That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.

The planet is fine. The people are f****d. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live.

There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.

Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol.

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.