George Carlin

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.

The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.

Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, "I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list"?

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself."

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.