George Carlin

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala."

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class-the people who run things. Those who decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. If the parent corporation doesn't want you to know something, it won't be on the news. Period. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then rarely followed up.

When you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the Freak Show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks.

I think of shock as kind of an uptown form of surprise. Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line... I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me.

I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Now, some people do this for shock value. Shock is just another uptown word for surprise. Granted it has a different quality to it, but a joke is about surprising someone. I'm a great believer in context. You can joke about anything. I do like finding out where the line is drawn, deliberately crossing it and bringing some of them with me across the line, and having them be happy that I did.