Groucho Marx

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'