Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.