Most importantly, how impressive can I be to people that bought tickets, where they never feel, "It was pretty good." If anyone thinks my show was "p….

The first time I watched [Keith] Olbermann, his opening monologue, I completely changed the way I approached my radio show..

'Christopher Walken' is my "Hotel California," but I've done it so much.

I had a calling, this is what happened, I've explained the story many times. I've had my priest on, I've had atheists on. When I explain my conversio….

You could teach [George] Carlin in college. It's the construction of the word and the order of things and how they go. How all those sentences are ti….

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks..

There seems to be a weird ceiling to being a stand-up as far as acting..

You don't have to be Willy Loman about it. But, "Airline food is crazy. Hey, what's with these rent-a-cars?" or you go up and talk about how Christop….

True Yankees are born, not made..

I created a human being from paper and I put it on the screen, a unique individual. I wish every performance, every IMDB credit, I would do it over, ….

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks..

I'm sure that having acted like an asshole for a great deal of my life, then having played assholes for a good part of my life, created a perception ….

But if applause throws off your timing, then you're not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it..

Every time you talk about politics or religion, know that the moment you open your mouth you're isolating 50% of your audience, in any medium. You're….

What I like about stand-up is, it's truthful. I'm not up there trying to get laid or look cool. I'm up there because I really love it, and it makes p….

I started to have panic attacks on stage and my wife just asked, "Why don't you just stop?" I was doing Ghost Whisperer at the time so I was making e….

Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind..

When you do an hour and a half and you destroy, like tonight was great. I had an awesome time. I realized that I'd been up there for about an hour an….

I was the youngest kid on my street, the youngest comic in the clubs. I always felt like I was playing catch-up. I was very angry..

When I watch like The Office I'm fascinated because most of America works in an environment where they see the same eight people every day..

The jokes were perfect! Then George Carlin started talking about the seven dirty words you can't say on television, then it evolved into social comme….