I think, here's what I've realized from interviewing people, and I've been very open about my Catholicism and my love of Christ and I don't care who ….

I don't have a nine-to-five brain..

Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond 'cause if she got a shower massager, she don't really need you anymore. Th….

There seems to be a weird ceiling to being a stand-up as far as acting..

She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains..

You could teach [George] Carlin in college. It's the construction of the word and the order of things and how they go. How all those sentences are ti….

I'd go back, yeah. I don't care, I got a kid, man - I'll sell tampons. I mean, there's no selling-out once you get a kid. I got a kid..

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks..

My career isn't gonna screetch to a halt because some guy in Westbury filmed ten minutes of the show. "Well, we were gonna give you the sitcom but sa….

I had a calling, this is what happened, I've explained the story many times. I've had my priest on, I've had atheists on. When I explain my conversio….

Long Island always seems to be the hardest place for some reason. There are always excuses. People will say, "Well, there's a lot to do in Long Islan….

'Christopher Walken' is my "Hotel California," but I've done it so much.

The allure becomes, "Can I make these rooms bigger?" Can I fill these 1,500-seat rooms? Then the allure is, how much, if we're being honest, how much….

I've been doing stand-up 29 years; there is no other career when you're finding your stride 30 years into it..

My wife and I have long discussions about [George] Carlin, and we refuse to accept that he died an atheist. It's just, confounding. When I talked to ….

This is NOT a pretty good business. You cannot be pretty good and be a national headliner. That becomes the allure..

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because ….

When I'm home I'm in much more of a routine like I said, which I like. On the road everything gets flip-flopped..

Comedians are always going to be in the showbiz middle class, you're not Brad Pitt; you're never going to be Sam Rockwell or Shia LaBeouf or Leo DiCa….

Marc Maron's podcast success has nothing to do with my podcast success. If I do a quarter of a million downloads, I can show that to an advertiser as….

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?.