[Joan Rivers] is fantastic. AND SHE'S 80! There's no 80-year-old pitcher. If you're a running back and you're 28 they're like, "Oh, here he goes, tur….

There was never a moment in George Carlin's career where he dipped below an A+. When he came out with the "Hippie Dippie Weatherman" on The Tonight S….

Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, ….

I don't know if you've ever been to England, but as soon as they find out you're from America, they hate you. They just think they're more sophistica….

I remember I used to go to The Laugh Factory and just goof off onstage, and then I'd see Dane Cook. He did a bit about his Mom making the bed in the ….

It's very good to know when you're being lapped on the racetrack, 'cause you've got to put your foot down on the pedal and get going..

What I've realized in the last year, 80% of my act has already happened to me, and it's not until you retell the story at a party or to a friend or i….

Every time you talk about politics or religion, know that the moment you open your mouth you're isolating 50% of your audience, in any medium. You're….

If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen any….

This happens to me every couple of years. I'll look at someone I respect and I'll realize that he's outworking me. It changes the way I behave for th….

Joan Rivers is 80 and she's fantastic. She lives in mortal fear of not filling that 1,500-seat room..

I created a human being from paper and I put it on the screen, a unique individual. I wish every performance, every IMDB credit, I would do it over, ….

I'm a comic because I don't want to do the nine-to-five, I have to modify that and say I'm a comic because I have an inability to do a nine-to-five..

I don't know how you do it [working at office]; I would just get up and walk out. That's what I did for pretty much every job I've ever had..

There is a ceiling to it and there's a stigma. Billy Crystal as brilliant as he is, he's never going to be thought of as a contemporary like Alan Ark….

I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would thin….

It's always a job when you're the reason they're assembling. If you're just doing shows and you're on a lineup with eight other guys, it's fun, it's ….

I didn't want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren't strong, but who wants to get beat up by a guy with that voice….

I think stand-up's, the older they get, the better they get..

But if applause throws off your timing, then you're not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it..

Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets..