The jokes were perfect! Then George Carlin started talking about the seven dirty words you can't say on television, then it evolved into social comme….

If anyone thinks my show was 'pretty good,' then I've completely failed..

I was the youngest kid on my street, the youngest comic in the clubs. I always felt like I was playing catch-up. I was very angry..

I'm sure that having acted like an asshole for a great deal of my life, then having played assholes for a good part of my life, created a perception ….

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual har….

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks..

You don't have to be Willy Loman about it. But, "Airline food is crazy. Hey, what's with these rent-a-cars?" or you go up and talk about how Christop….

You can vibe out when people are getting tired or they're too drunk to keep going along with..

The first time I watched [Keith] Olbermann, his opening monologue, I completely changed the way I approached my radio show..

Most importantly, how impressive can I be to people that bought tickets, where they never feel, "It was pretty good." If anyone thinks my show was "p….

[George Carlin] was obsessive about time; he was obsessive compulsive about his material and making things shorter and more perfect. He did an HBO ho….

If you were an actor, anybody could go on Broadway and take a George Carlin hour and do it on stage as a one man show. They're all stand alone essays..

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up..

I'm telling you, I could teach at a university, [George] Carlin, a whole semester. The construction and deconstruction of the words, the language, th….

Yogi Berra put it best, "If people don't want to come, we can't stop them.".

It doesn't hurt my voice or anything because some impressions tear my throat apart. [Christophen] Walken is easy; I can do it in my sleep. They all k….

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick..

I'm going to eventually shoot my own special, because you have to own your own content. My Turn (2003), that's never been released on DVD..

You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab..

I never minded George Steinbrenner spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field..

I know content-wise I leave nothing to chance. I have no anxiety about what I'm going to do once I'm out on stage..