Happiness is a moving target..

You have to work at it if you want to be a good smoker. Especially today with all the non-smoking world constantly harassing you..

I'm going to lower the drinking age to eighteen. If you're old enough to die in Iraq, you're old enough to drink..

Finding a cat--or having a cat find you--can change your world as much as marriage, divorce, love, death, or even winning the lottery can, and someti….

Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her..

The Ten Commandments being taken out of the public schools. I want them back..

I'm well aware that the Nelson Mandelas and the Winston Churchills of the world happened by accident. They usually come out of nowhere..

We're first on executions. We're 49th in funding public education. We're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and we're winning..

I'll keep us out of war with Oklahoma!.

Man's ability to delude himself is infinite..

You have to pretend that your life is a financial pleasure even when your autographs are bouncing..

I don't believe in carrying a weapon. If somebody wants to shoot me, he'll have to bring his own gun..

William Bennett is my patron saint, one of them. Redd Foxx is another..

I want to fight the wussification of the State of Texas. I want to rise and shine and bring back the glory..

I've got a head of hair better than Rick Perry; it's just not in a place I can show you..

I'm not pro-life, and I'm not pro-choice. I'm pro-football..

I'm not for the parties. I'm for Texas..

Inspiration thing is important, to teach the kids that JFK is not an airport, RFK's not a stadium, Martin Luther King ain't a street.

This system is really broken. No Child Left Behind has really failed and the only way to solve education is to leave one governor behind..

Yes, I'm a Judeo-Christian. Jesus and Moses are in my heart. And both of them were independents, by the way..

On the whole I prefer cats to women because cats seldom if ever use the word 'relationship'..