Humor is a way of holding off how awful life can be, to protect yourself..

There is a riddle about a man who is locked in a room with nothing but a bed and a calendar, and the question is: How does he survive? The answer is:….

Bill Gates says, 'Wait till you can see what your computer can become.' But it’s you who should be doing the becoming. What you can become is the mir….

He ate a pear. It was a hard one. It fought back against his grinding teeth. It snapped in juicy protest..

The artist makes his living by pretending, by putting it in a meaningful hole though no such holes exist..

Well, it's practically over, thank God - I'm 83, there won't be that much more of it to put up with I don't think!.

Thank God for novelists. Thank God there are people willing to write everything down. Otherwise, so much would be forgotten..

There is no shortage of wonderful writers. What we lack is a dependable mass of readers..

Aside from battles, the history of nations seemed to consist of nothing but powerless old poops like myself, heavily medicated and vaguely beloved in….

The slaves were simply turned loose without any property. They were easily recognizable. They were black. They were suddenly free to go exploring..

My ancestors came over from Germany about the time of the Civil War and one of them lost a leg and went back to Germany..

In real life as in grand opera, arias only make hopeless situations worse..

Well, it's an ancestral tribe. These were immigrants from north of Germany who came here about the time of the Civil War, but anyway, these people ca….

The function of the artist is to make people like life better than they have before..

Farewell, hello, farewell, hello..

If I am ever put to death on the hook, expect a very human performance..

The chief weapon of sea pirates, however, was their capacity to astonish. Nobody else could believe, until it was too late, how heartless and greedy ….

Everything that ever has been always will be, and everything that ever will be always has been..

About astrology and palmistry: they are good because they make people vivid and full of possibilities. They are communism at its best. Everybody has ….

There is no order in the world around us, we must adapt ourselves to the requirements of chaos instead..

Montana was naked, and so was Billy, of course. He had a tremendous wang, incidentally. You never know who'll get one..