Occupation: Comedienne Birth: July 17, 1917 Death: August 20, 2012
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide..
They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought..
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard..
My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe..
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it..
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions..
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing..
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home..
The only parts left of my original body are my elbows..
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing..
I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest..
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation..
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight..
Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one..
I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the e….
My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12..
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type..
A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing..
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband..
Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush..
Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn..