I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one..

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in ….

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door..

My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car..

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation..

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown..

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed..

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth..

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children..

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open ….

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the ….

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all..

[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck..

I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone..

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half..

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus..

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce..

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head..

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush..

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood..