Occupation: Comedienne Birth: July 17, 1917 Death: August 20, 2012
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'.
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in ….
My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows..
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?.
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me..
Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling..
On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized….
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works….
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public..
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied….
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate..
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot..
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight..
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea..
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you..
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run..
There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought ….
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth..
The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?..
I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning..
One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!.