Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing..

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards..

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch.".

When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this ….

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy..

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run..

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway..

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish..

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt..

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked..

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ….

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life..

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhap….

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready..

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide..

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months..

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband..

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight..

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?..

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right..

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on..