Occupation: Comedienne Birth: July 17, 1917 Death: August 20, 2012
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer….
Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight..
My father used to call me the laughing hyena..
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant..
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out..
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it..
They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought..
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought..
My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe..
I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio..
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions..
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing..
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls..
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing..
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone..
It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister..
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard..
Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards..
Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards..
This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball..
I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate..