I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death..

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like..

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight..

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them..

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests..

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it..

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience..

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's ….

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak..

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag..

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband..

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear..

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher..

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer..

I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power..

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . ..

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own si….

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor..

Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed..

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going..