Occupation: Comedienne Birth: July 17, 1917 Death: August 20, 2012
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit..
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's ….
I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip..
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him..
Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it..
My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking..
Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days..
I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies..
When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown..
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them..
When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests..
I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death..
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhap….
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right..
Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty..
Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it..
All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like..
When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grand….
I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight..
It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on..
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience..