Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have..

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up..

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight..

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan..

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?.

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it..

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know..

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody..

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight..

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't part….

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!.

... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular..

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow….

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer….

My father used to call me the laughing hyena..

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball..

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs..

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody..

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off..

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed..